They say you shouldn't think too much about the past or have regrets while looking back, but really now, is it a crime to regret something? I think not. Do I regret something? Hell yes, I do. Can I erase this feeling? Well... basically I can't erase the feeling, but I can get rid of the ones who fed my negative state of mind and thus, the feeling will soon be forgotten. Does it sound mean? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore, because they didn't care either while doing so much damage and being aware of it. Sooo... yeah.
I am really tired of people being assholes, of people that say they are your friends, but all they do is put you down and kill your vibe, of people taking advantage of others, of people who instantly forget about you once everything is great for them (and then they come back, when things change), of people who only call when they need something, of people who get back to you because they are afraid of being alone and they know they can find comfort in you (only when they need it!), of people who lack empathy and the most tiny ammount of common sense towards your feelings and the struggles that you are going through, of people who lie straight to your face and consider you an idiot (even though you told them you can find out everything you need to know), of people who think that only they are right, of people who expect you to be on their side even though they are consciously hurting others, with no remorse whatsoever (because hey, you are the fucking king of the world and you are allowed to do anything, right?), of people who strongly believe that they must do anything in order to achieve what they want, without thinking about the consequences or the ones that might get hurt in the process... I could go on until tomorrow, but the idea is that I am tired of people. I am tired of certain people and this needs to change. And it did.
I am writing this today, on the 1st of December, on a very personal symbolic day, the day that marks a mistake I've made in the past. It's been a while since I realized that I don't need answers anymore, because answers won't bring me any closure or comfort (and even so, I would've been fed some more lies). It's all very simple once you think about things with a clear head, once you separate the good from the bad and place it all on a scale. And funny enough, when you see that the good barely weighs anything... you then have your answer. You let it go. And if they don't, if they cling on to you, if they drain your energy... you erase them. Just like that.
This is no quantum physics, but I keep trying to remind myself that I should not waste my time with such things and I am also trying to remind you, all the good people out there, that there are so many other important things that require our attention, our energy, our time and our love, and even so, we are wasting all of these on the wrong people and on the chaotic situations that we are facing because of them. Also, because of us... because we are equally guilty of falling into their traps (maybe not so guilty the first time, because of that stupid saying that we learn from the mistakes we make... it seems we don't!).
Even though things haven't been great this year, from a lot of perspectives (very real episodes with shitty bumps in the road), I am just sorry that I let myself be overwhelmed by some nasty feelings like helplessness, always thinking that I am not good enough or smart enough. And you know what, no matter the situation, it's really shitty to hear from a friend "oh not this again, just get over it" when you finally decide to voice your sorrow. Thanks a lot, truly, I am enlightend now! How did I not think of this?! Your pain is your own and the intensity of it is also just your own. You can't compare pain when it's fresh and the wound is still bleeding. You will compare it later on, when the scars don't bother you that much and only then you'll realize that you've been through worse. You'll let it go when you are ready, no one can force you here. And as usual, if you don't have anything supportive to say, just shut up. A simple "I am here for you, I hear you" is enough. That's why I prefer to lock everything up inside of me, deal with it on my own terms and just... smile and wave. And that is why I have been absent lately or "not myself". Working on it!
I just want to have this post here as a reminder for myself. This was the sole reason for writing it. A reminder that some people are so shitty, that they need to shove their toxicity "where the sun don't shine". A reminder to trust my guts and stop them from wasting my time. A reminder that I must respect and love myself more.
I know now who deserves my best.
Also, a kind thank you to those who did not leave even when I tried my best to shut them out.
And for the "stars" of this post... I wish you well, but I hope our paths will never cross again.
Cris
Katatonia - Lethean
Halestorm - Heart Of Novocaine
Tarja - Love To Hate
Kissin' Dynamite - Heart Of Stone
Northward - Get What You Give
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