Lost In The Echo

July 20th 2017, 21:40. It was just a regular Thursday night. Was getting a bit sleepy, but I still wanted to watch an episode of something or some cartoons before actually going to bed. So I was just browsing around and since I couldn't make up my mind, I refreshed my Facebook news feed and I felt as if lightning stroke me. Someone was making a really bad joke. I begin to scroll down. Everybody was going nuts, the news was spreading, it began to be posted all over the most read media channels. Pulse rising. This can't be true. No. I've barely just made peace with the fact that Chris Cornell is not with us anymore and now this?! Denial. A feeling of immense emptiness. Scroll. Scroll. Shit. Shit!!! My teenage self was crushed. Shock. My generation is in total shock, I can see it from their posts and I can feel it, I swear. Google. Twitter. It's viral. Acceptance...? My head is spinning. The voice that set me, and millions of other teenagers on this musical path, is no more. I'll never get to experience the so energetic live show that I've had on my wish list for such a long time. I'll never get to sing their songs along with my friends at their show. I'll never gaze my eyes on the human being that I admired so much.

Rewind. 2003. I was 13 years old and Meteora was out. I've already listened to all the music that was in my house. Cassettes and Cd's bought by my brother, vinyls from my parents. Romanian folk and rock music bands and hard rock foreign bands. But I was a kid and I needed more, something fresh. I did not have an Internet connection yet, so I was going to a friend's house almost every day, after school, to check out new music. We had so much fun. It all comes back to me as I keep writing and, for real, those were the times, man. So we bump into this song named Somewhere I Belong. "I need the full album now. Do they have anything else? One more? OK, I need that one too". And so it began. Hybrid Theory. Meteora. The soundtracks of my teenage years. The tunes I would escape to, when I believed that everybody was out to get me. The comfort I needed when I felt misunderstood. We've all been there. It seems so silly now, but every little issue from back then, had such an intensity... I was not a popular kid. I had a few friends and I was OK with that. I loved music and reading. Go figure, that did not change, heh. I was a pretty quiet kid and the others did not really dig me. I liked to study, simply because it just felt easy for me. And the bullying began. It was not extreme, like you see it today, but for a kid this is never easy. It makes you doubt yourself, it makes you feel like you are always doing something wrong, even if you are doing everything right. But I was a rather tough cookie even then, so I embraced the power that music was giving me and everything turned out just fine. I then realized that music was the best thing that we can have in this life. High school started and the rest is history. I kept on listening to my friends, Linkin Park, and cherishing the albums that got me through those bad times. I kept on defending them from the haters and the people that did not understand my passion. I'll always do this. I rarely make promises, but this is a promise to myself. 

Years passed. I'm not a hypocrite. There is so much amazing music out there and I'm constantly trying to absorb as much as I can, even if sometimes I'm caught between 2-3 bands and I listen to them on repeat. I close the loop and move on. But I always go back and listen with nostalgia to the sounds that I once loved so dearly. It's really simple now, you just go on YouTube, choose a concert, enjoy your evening and remember when you were a kid and that band meant the world to you.

Press forward. 2012. Memories kick-start. Linkin Park will have a show in Bucharest. God damn it. This was happening during the exams period. I can't fuck this up, so I miss the show. I'm pretty optimistic though, c'mon, it's Linkin Park, I'll get to see them maybe in a year or two. Sigh. I never imagined the scenario that was to follow. Nobody did. Lesson? Never miss these things again.

Living Things is released. Awesome! These are my guys, yeah! I didn't enjoy Minutes To Midnight and A Thousand Suns that much, because I was simply listening to other things that caught my attention and sounded better for me at that specific time. I kinda never had a problem with bands slightly changing their style, this was not the issue. If I don't like it, I won't listen to that album, simple as that. It's not like someone is forcing the music inside my ears. Common sense.

Present time. July 21st. It's Friday and I feel sick.
My head hurts and I didn't sleep well at all. I'm confused, angry. I've read so much shit about what happened that it makes me feel like throwing up. Unfriend. Unfriend. I can't handle any more toxicity around me. I NEED open minded people in my life. I NEED people that can research facts if they have no information about a specific subject. I need you people to connect your brains to your mouths before opening them up. It's so easy to talk shit. SO EASY. So extremely easy to judge and point fingers. So easy to make fun of a serious thing. I'm not a dramatic person, but the thing with me is that I care so fucking much about basically everything. I try to hide is as much as I can in my everyday life, because some of you told me I am too "intense" and that stuck with me, made me believe it's not OK. That's why I never get myself into political arguments. That's why I never get caught in your bullshit posts where you're verbally bashing someone or some situation. That's why I simply scroll away from all the hatred that you parade, hidden behind sentences filled with frustration. I just take a deep breath and move on. Enough.

This thing that happened triggered me so badly because of two main reasons. Number 1 is stated in the first paragraph. Number 2 (and the most important) is the lack of information, education or even understanding, with concern to mental health issues. This country still believes that depression represents a taboo, a sign of being a "sissy". I simply refuse to accept the fact that people around my age can be so oblivious to this matter. I'm not even going to start ranting about the fact that every school should raise awareness for mental health issues and help kids understand all of this. Everyone is busy with something more important. Everyone has their own opinions, 99% of the time, based on NO facts, but hey! Do write them on the Internet, it won't hurt anybody. Words don't hurt, right?

Completely wrong. Words hurt. Words stick to one's mind and end up eating inside their soul. Because you say some shit without even thinking of the consequences, someone who may have had a bad day already, can be crushed under the weight of your pathetic opinion. If you don't like a song, just stop listening to it. If you don't like a person, just avoid that person. Where in the world is it stated that you MUST have a reaction to everything? Nothing will happen to you if you don't write "Man, this song is crap!" under a video. Trust me, I never did this and I'm just fine. Why the hell should I shit on someone's work, just because it does not sound good to me!? 

If I had a dime for every time I heard this line "It's my opinion and I'm entitled to express it!", I'd be somewhere far away, rich as hell and without a care in the world. Of course you have the right to an opinion, BUT you also should have the capacity to filter your language and know HOW TO express an opinion, in a rational and civilized manner. You should also check before, if you can sustain your opinion with arguments based on facts. Is this so hard to comprehend?

I pity these people and I'm also scared of their way of thinking. I know that I alone can't change anything about it. Please, do think twice before talking shit. You did not walk in someone else's shoes, you do not know their hearts, you do not have the right to judge. It freaks me out that another person is capable of making fun of such a fragile issue. Or even reaching that point of saying "good riddance". You can't go back from that. Your humanity is lost.

I hope you can understand that this article is focused mostly on my problem with ignorant people, but it's intertwined with recent events and stories that flashed back into my memory, so that I can (try to) prove my point. Depression is a bitch and I truly hope that you are not going through this and I also hope you don't have close ones dealing with this. I HOPE you don't have close ones that have committed suicide. It will stay with you forever.

Read more about depression, signs & symptoms - click

July 22nd. It's just before midnight and I feel more calm.
By no means am I an expert regarding these issues. Not at all. But I was faced with the situation(s) where I had to learn to understand more about this. Keep your loved ones close, connect with them. And not only with them. Be a good listener for those that need to be heard. It can make a difference! Try to read between the lines and try to learn how to read the signs. This illness does not ask you if you are a worldwide known artist or a writer or an electrician or whatever profession you may think of. It hits where it finds a weak spot and it does not give a shit if you have a million dollars in your bank account or two cents. So please, enough with this crap. Respect the memory of the people who left us so much. Respect the memory of the ones who touched your souls.

July 23rd. Should I post this or not? Anxiety levels rising.
If I'm writing about this... It means I've reached a limit. It is not in my nature to get so personal on a blog or whatever. This post is not written for the views. I needed to pour my soul out, because of the poison that stained it during these last few days. During years of holding it all inside. 

If you think it's pointless and it made you laugh, please do carry on. I'm not sorry.
If I managed to reach out to you in some way, then it makes me happy and I thank you for reading my thoughts based on the last few days. It was not easy.

Dear Chester, I need you to know that you are one of my musical heroes. Thank you. You've helped millions of troubled teenagers with your songs and you are the reason why so many kids are now great musicians. Forever loved. Forever missed. May we all learn something from your story. And from the other beautiful souls that are up there with you. Rest in peace...

"Who cares if one more light goes out?

In a sky of a million stars

It flickers, flickers

Who cares when someone's time runs out?

If a moment is all we are

We're quicker, quicker

Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do..."

Linkin Park - One More Light

Take care guys 💓

Cris